9 to 5

Caution: a little bit of whining ahead. (Not from Dolly, from me.)



This is the 6th week I've been back to work after maternity leave. A month and a half. It feels at once like it has been so much longer and like it has only been a few days. (I think that is one of those phenomena of parenthood--as one of my favorite authors, Gretchen Rubin, puts it: "The days are long but the years are short.")

I am what is referred to as a "working mom," which if you ask me is nowhere near a decent description of what it feels like to be a parent who goes to a job outside the home every day. Being a parent is definitely the hardest (but also most rewarding) thing I've done ever in my life. In itself, parenthood is more than a full-time job. A full-time job is classified as 40 hours a week; being a parent takes every hour of every day of every week--when you are with your child, you are interacting with her and hoping you are giving her everything she needs to become an amazing person. When you're not with your child, you are missing her, worrying that she's missing you (or worrying that she ISN'T missing you), trying to get other things done so when you do see her you have quality time to spend with her, and when you're all sleeping, as a parent you aren't REALLY sleeping, because you keep one ear on the baby monitor to make sure she doesn't need you all night long. 

If you're working at a job (in corporate America in my case), you're not only busy trying to get your daily tasks done, but also keeping up with your colleagues, and worrying about your career advancement. You have to please your manager, keep up with team and corporate initiatives, interact with co-workers, and (on my team at least) manage a daily cycle of interruptions and struggling to come back to the task at hand. Now, since I'm also trying to breastfeed my kid, I'm taking breaks two to three times a day to pump. I'm also worrying about the fact that someone else is tending to my child (and possibly not doing it like I would if it were up to me all day). It's more than a little distracting in an already hectic workplace.

Oh yeah, and then there is the lack of sleep...

A few years ago one of my great friends (who also happened to do the same job as me and was on my team at work) told me she was leaving the job to stay home with her daughter. She told me that she felt like she was "doing a bad job at both being a parent and being a good employee." I scoffed at her when she told me this--she was clearly doing an awesome job at both things--she's a great parent and she did a wonderful job at work. But now I know what she means.

I know I'm doing a pretty good job at being a parent--I firmly believe that if you give your child all the love in your heart, try to make the choices that are best for her, stay informed on the things you need to keep her safe, help her grow and learn, and make sure she knows how awesome you think she is, she's going to turn out okay. I also know I'm doing a decent job at work.

My problem is that I've never been okay with doing "okay" or "pretty good." For my first job, I worked at a place called Discovery Zone. Sometimes I was assigned the snack bar, and it was my job to clean out the nacho cheese dispenser at the end of the day. A ridiculous job--but I'll be damned if I wasn't the best nacho cheese dispenser cleaner you ever saw. I've always taken pride in whatever job I have, and I want to do it to the very best of my ability. Having my focus split a million different ways in an already very disjointed daily schedule makes me feel like I'm NOT doing my job very well at all.

I've also wanted to be a mom as far back as I can remember. I was a babysitter (with certification from the Wilmington, NC public library babysitter course!) from way back. I always knew I wanted my own kids. And now that I HAVE a child (and maybe I'm biased, but she's pretty awesome), I can't think of anything I'd like to do more than spend every single moment of every day with her (or for her). It's next to impossible to think about anything but that little girl all day. I feel very distracted when I'm not with her.

I'm probably a typical working mother. I am probably not facing struggles any more difficult or intense than any other working mom out there. I should probably just realize that this is how life is going to be. It's just hard. Thanks for letting me vent, internet. Any advice you have would be appreciated.