Just a twinkle...

I've always thought that was a funny saying…a twinkle in one's eye. You know, like your grandma used to say—"That was when you were just a twinkle in your parents' eyes." I don't feel incredibly twinkly at the moment, but I do feel all SORTS of other things.

Jealousy, for one—not what I expected to feel when looking forward to having a child in the near future, but every time I hear that another friend or coworker or acquaintance, even, is pregnant, I feel this insane rush of jealousy. I'm a good faker, though, so you wouldn't know—I still ask excited questions and listen to the stories and soak in everything the bearer of the news has to say. It's weird to want something so much you are jealous when someone else has it…I never felt like this about marriage (or the single life) or love or home ownership or anything else. I don't really consider myself a jealous person, so it just feels strange.

Fear, for another. Maybe not outright fear…maybe more of a generalized anxiety about the state of the world into which I may or may not be bringing a child. The things I can control (choice of a suitable father for this possible child, living conditions, love, health, happiness) aren't that concerning at the moment, but the idea of things I cannot control (my mother's ideas about whether this potential child's parents should be legally married, the room, or even house, in which the potential child will live when he or she is born, whether I will work, whether I will be able to stand not being home...this list could go on and on) is almost overwhelming. What about schools? What about insurance? Should I have a natural birth? What about immunizations, and socialization, and pets?

I need to get a grip. If there isn't even a child on the horizon (yet) then what am I doing worrying about all these things that I a) don't need to have answers for right now, or b) won't be able to control anyway?

I'm excited, too, don't get me wrong. Mainly I'm trying to restrain myself from getting TOO excited so there isn't let down if this isn't the month for this potential kid. Current status: twinkling.