Containment

I am trying SO hard to keep from getting excited, but today at work, I developed this whole plan for letting my coworkers know I was knocked up. It involves cupcakes and the need to search for party decorations that are equally blue and pink…anyway. Unnecessary, at least at this point.

I've been Googling early pregnancy symptoms, and thinking to myself, ooh, I have that one! But not that one. (Boo.) All this excitement and anticipation is just going to make it hard on me if I am NOT pregnant yet.

I've felt sort of like this before, but I think the big difference is the potential father of my children is such an amazing person. He's going to be a GREAT dad, and I'm so ready to see him move into that role. He'll have so much to teach his kids, and he just makes every day and every mundane activity fun and exciting. His curiosity and energy level are like a kid's, so I think it will be fun to watch him interact with our babies.

I'm also so excited to see my parents as grandparents. My mom is a teacher, and she LOVES to study how individuals learn. I like to think that my children will be pretty smart—the combination of my random creativity and Aaron's math and analytical skills, plus my patience and his drive…they are going to turn out to be pretty darn awesome, or at least I hope so. My mom will have an excellent time playing and teaching and coming up with new and fun ideas for learning. I love to watch her teach—and I think it will be even more excellent with my own kids.

My dad is great with kids—he's so gentle and funny, and kids always think he is hilarious. He'll be that grandpa that is always ready to play whatever silly game the kids invent, and he's also one of the best ticklers I have ever met! He used to chase my sister and me around the house on Saturday mornings, threatening to tickle us to death. We would laugh for hours (and presumably, stay out of my mom's way so she could get a few things done). He's also a good listener, and an excellent problem-solver, and pretty much the handiest guy I know. I can imagine him building block towers and doing puzzles with my children, and even playing tea party if I have a girl.

My sister will also be thrilled—and be an excellent aunt. She has great ideas, and loves music so much that I can imagine her singing with my kids, and playing silly games, and buying them cool little gifts from places she visits. I want to be able to tell her she's going to be someone's aunt.

And my friends! My friends will be ecstatic (well, those of them that already have children, or want some in the near future). A few of my friends might be apprehensive, but I think I can show them that having kids doesn't have to make you boring or reclusive. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think my kids will be cool and that I'll be able to have conversations about literature and pop culture, mixed with my perspective as someone's mom.

So we'll see. This blog post hasn't helped—I'm more excited than I was 10 minutes ago. And I don't even know if there is anything to be excited about. Current status: excited and anxious (and trying not to be).

Just a twinkle...

I've always thought that was a funny saying…a twinkle in one's eye. You know, like your grandma used to say—"That was when you were just a twinkle in your parents' eyes." I don't feel incredibly twinkly at the moment, but I do feel all SORTS of other things.

Jealousy, for one—not what I expected to feel when looking forward to having a child in the near future, but every time I hear that another friend or coworker or acquaintance, even, is pregnant, I feel this insane rush of jealousy. I'm a good faker, though, so you wouldn't know—I still ask excited questions and listen to the stories and soak in everything the bearer of the news has to say. It's weird to want something so much you are jealous when someone else has it…I never felt like this about marriage (or the single life) or love or home ownership or anything else. I don't really consider myself a jealous person, so it just feels strange.

Fear, for another. Maybe not outright fear…maybe more of a generalized anxiety about the state of the world into which I may or may not be bringing a child. The things I can control (choice of a suitable father for this possible child, living conditions, love, health, happiness) aren't that concerning at the moment, but the idea of things I cannot control (my mother's ideas about whether this potential child's parents should be legally married, the room, or even house, in which the potential child will live when he or she is born, whether I will work, whether I will be able to stand not being home...this list could go on and on) is almost overwhelming. What about schools? What about insurance? Should I have a natural birth? What about immunizations, and socialization, and pets?

I need to get a grip. If there isn't even a child on the horizon (yet) then what am I doing worrying about all these things that I a) don't need to have answers for right now, or b) won't be able to control anyway?

I'm excited, too, don't get me wrong. Mainly I'm trying to restrain myself from getting TOO excited so there isn't let down if this isn't the month for this potential kid. Current status: twinkling.